I hate this kind of evening, really -- I've spent the whole day wanting to come home and write, but now that I'm here I just haven't got the energy to do anything useful at all. And I'm giving myself a headache trying to force it. Gah.
I think I'm just feeling guilty because I told myself a month ago that by the end of March I'd have Greywater in a fit state for submission to agents, but I've fallen into one of my Old Bad Habits and haven't really been writing at all the way I've supposed to have been. It's an ego thing, to some degree; I have very little self-esteem and the thought of being rejected is still really hard for me. It doesn't help that I talked myself into applying to Clarion West just before the deadline and that inevitable rejection is going to send me spiralling into a complete pit of despair, so. I don't know.
I suppose the good news is that my experiments with Twitter Fic were somewhat successful; I managed to get myself second place in the vote with my Cthulhu-esque tale of love and sushi, which I suppose means I have yet another thing to thank Lovecraft for. We're batting three for three here, in terms of things that win competitions for me or actually get published. God, that man is probably sitting down there in hell just warming a pitchfork up for me.
In other news, thanks to my little glee-fest over the movie Thor and the fact I mainlined The Almighty Johnsons this weekend, I'm having Lots of Feels about epic Norse poetry. As in, I may have to start reading it. This can't be a good thing. I did, however, acquire a book of Maori myths from the library yesterday, mostly because I commissioned a picture of Pania, Erik, and Rowan weeks back and it's just coming through, and...now I want to write a ridiculous spin-off wherein the token Maori flatmate, the half-selkie and the not-actually-a-witch adopt a taniwha and THEY FIGHT CRIME. My subconscious is bleeding, I tell you.
Obviously, I'm going insane. I hope everyone else is doing better than me...I kind of feel like I should be doing something about that. But really, my brain's in two minds about that.
Ditch the guilt! I know that we writers are supposed to practice the craft constantly, write something every day, etc. but I find that you have to strike a balance - writing while exhausted or blue often results in sub-par work. You've had some success, and a little rejection fear is normal, so continue to do what you're doing!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments, I really appreciate them. <3 I was reading something the other day about how many people get close to something and then fail by giving up even though they were so close, and...I have the feeling I'm doomed to be one of those people if I don't work out some way of getting around my evil inner editor. ^_^
Delete"I've spent the whole day wanting to come home and write, but now that I'm here I just haven't got the energy to do anything useful at all. And I'm giving myself a headache trying to force it." I think this same thing every night.
ReplyDeleteIt's so frustrating. In some ways it doesn't help that I had several weeks to write non-stop last year in Australia, because it taught me that I can write large amounts regularly over days like it was a real job. But right now, I do my real job, then come home exhausted and can't bear the thought of anything more. Bah.
Delete"I told myself a month ago that by the end of March I'd have Greywater in a fit state for submission to agents, but I've fallen into one of my Old Bad Habits and haven't really been writing at all the way I've supposed to have been..."
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it's entirely bad. I agree with Li, that there's a balance. Sometimes your brain refuses to work on something because it needs the time. In this case, perhaps it needs to prepare to treat your own fiction as if it was someone else's, and allow you to be as objective as you need to be.
That said, I promised myself the same thing about one of my finished-but-not-polished novels back in December, and by this point I really have no excuse. My friend has a goal of getting at least one revision pass on his by April, and I'm figuring that'll be mine, too. :) Join us?
P.S. Good luck with Clarion West. Maybe buckling down on the novel will help distract you from waiting...
That's definitely true, about giving things time -- back in November I tried to force something and ended up convincing myself it was just unwritable. Then in January I opened the file and finished it in maybe a week. It just flowed out of me...all it needed was a little more time. I think I was just so annoyed because I had really wanted to finish it in November when in theory I had MORE time for doing so, ha.
DeleteBut yeah, a revision pass by April is where I've been aiming. I still have two weeks. LET'S DO IT.
Argh, I'll join you on the not doing anything - I've dropped everything in my life (well, except for reading) in the past week in order to finish the kilt hose I'm knitting for a friend, before his birthday on Wednesday. And the more I get back into knitting, the less I want to get on social media or slog through the edits of my novel!
ReplyDeleteHa, I know what you mean! I had that problem back in January when I started colouring with my Copics again; I don't generally bother much with art these days, but I do have a fondess for breaking out my Copics and colouring every few months. It's like being three years old again. XD
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